Growing up, I was taught morals such as saving sex for marriage, having integrity with what you watch online, and always respecting yourself and your body. Because of my upbringing, I had dreams of romance and bliss when it came to a relationship. I always thought relationships would be something from a fairytale. I had such a pure view of love and an ideal that relationships were something magical. Then my teen years hit. I met a guy at work who was a smooth talker and was quick to sweep me off my feet. Right away he had me doing things like sneaking out of my house at night and smoking cigarettes. We continued to date for three months and then decided to move in together.
After one week of living together, he convinced me to have sex with him, the one thing I had always taken a strong stance against. After just one week of having sex and two weeks of living together, he told me a secret. He told me how he would steal his mothers porn DVDs and watch them. He then asked if I wanted to watch them and experiment with what was being shown. Never having seen porn in my life, I instantly felt very uncomfortable. But my desire to please him was even greater. So we watched porn together and I instantly learned what he wanted from me sexually. What he wanted was a nightmare compared to my dreams I had always had of relationships and intimacy. But, because I was under the illusion of being in love, I allowed him to use me to re-enact his porn fantasies.
I quickly became obsessed with pleasing him. I would watch all the porn he watched and study it like a text book. I used it to teach me things. I wanted to become a woman that could master all the different things in porn so that he would always find me attractive. I learned to talk dirty to him, while most of his dirty talk consisted of derogatory names such as “slut”, “whore”, and “b****.” To me, the dirty talk was all lies that I made up because I knew it was what he wanted to hear, but what happened because of it took a deep emotional toll on me. I quickly found that I started feeling like I was all those words and that I was just a real life sex toy for him. There was even times where the porn had such a hold on our life together that I would watch it alone just to feel comfortable in our relationship.
Over time I became depressed and unhappy. I realized I had completely changed myself just to please him and that the downward spiral all started with porn. We ended up breaking up, but the effects porn had on me lasted for a while after. I took what he liked from porn and just used it to please other guys I dated. These other guys then taught me new things that they saw in porn that I carried on to others and so on and so on. I realized I may have never had a career as a porn star but looking back, I feel like I was doing all the same work as them, just for free. The worst part was that every single guy still chose the computer over me.
Now, years later, I am finally fighting my good fight. I’m focused on breaking all the porn addictions in my life. I am focused on getting my dreams of a romantic relationship back, and getting rid of the “50 Shades of Gray”-type relationships I had. I am now focused on finding love, rather then finding out how to please a man so he would love me. Ultimately, I am focused on setting a positive example of what love is for my children.
Growing up, I was taught morals such as saving sex for marriage, having integrity with what you watch online, and always respecting yourself and your body. Because of my upbringing, I had dreams of romance and bliss when it came to a relationship. I always thought relationships would be something from a fairytale. I had such a pure view of love and an ideal that relationships were something magical. Then my teen years hit. I met a guy at work who was a smooth talker and was quick to sweep me off my feet. Right away he had me doing things like sneaking out of my house at night and smoking cigarettes. We continued to date for three months and then decided to move in together.
After one week of living together, he convinced me to have sex with him, the one thing I had always taken a strong stance against. After just one week of having sex and two weeks of living together, he told me a secret. He told me how he would steal his mothers porn DVDs and watch them. He then asked if I wanted to watch them and experiment with what was being shown. Never having seen porn in my life, I instantly felt very uncomfortable. But my desire to please him was even greater. So we watched porn together and I instantly learned what he wanted from me sexually. What he wanted was a nightmare compared to my dreams I had always had of relationships and intimacy. But, because I was under the illusion of being in love, I allowed him to use me to re-enact his porn fantasies.
I quickly became obsessed with pleasing him. I would watch all the porn he watched and study it like a text book. I used it to teach me things. I wanted to become a woman that could master all the different things in porn so that he would always find me attractive. I learned to talk dirty to him, while most of his dirty talk consisted of derogatory names such as “slut”, “whore”, and “b****.” To me, the dirty talk was all lies that I made up because I knew it was what he wanted to hear, but what happened because of it took a deep emotional toll on me. I quickly found that I started feeling like I was all those words and that I was just a real life sex toy for him. There was even times where the porn had such a hold on our life together that I would watch it alone just to feel comfortable in our relationship.
Over time I became depressed and unhappy. I realized I had completely changed myself just to please him and that the downward spiral all started with porn. We ended up breaking up, but the effects porn had on me lasted for a while after. I took what he liked from porn and just used it to please other guys I dated. These other guys then taught me new things that they saw in porn that I carried on to others and so on and so on. I realized I may have never had a career as a porn star but looking back, I feel like I was doing all the same work as them, just for free. The worst part was that every single guy still chose the computer over me.
Now, years later, I am finally fighting my good fight. I’m focused on breaking all the porn addictions in my life. I am focused on getting my dreams of a romantic relationship back, and getting rid of the “50 Shades of Gray”-type relationships I had. I am now focused on finding love, rather then finding out how to please a man so he would love me. Ultimately, I am focused on setting a positive example of what love is for my children.
where is that graphic from playboy about how to “tame” or w/e a militant feminist and one of the first steps is introducing her to liberal feminism bc it’s more male-serving?
where is that graphic from playboy about how to “tame” or w/e a militant feminist and one of the first steps is introducing her to liberal feminism bc it’s more male-serving?
can people stop saying prophet muhamad was a feminist he literally said women are intellectually inferior, that they are the snares of satan, and that if he would make anyone bow down to anyone besides god, it would be to make women bow down to their husbands.
can people stop saying prophet muhamad was a feminist he literally said women are intellectually inferior, that they are the snares of satan, and that if he would make anyone bow down to anyone besides god, it would be to make women bow down to their husbands.
Celtyradfem 